I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
