is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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