what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
