You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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