then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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