so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
