Your tits are I can't wait for
im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I think a kid would responsible me up
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
