mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
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