Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
