Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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