dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
