i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
