either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
