I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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