I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
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