I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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