I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
