woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
