I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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