Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
