even my farts smell like vagina
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
