theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
