umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
