i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
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