Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
