; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
