You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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