Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
