does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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