I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
