I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
