ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
