I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
