Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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