I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Randomize
