im six kinds of drunk right now
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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