It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Two words: nipple clamps
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