8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
