if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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