is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
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