I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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