Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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