in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
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