Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
