dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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