i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
