why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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