Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
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