you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
