dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
